Here is the ultimate proof that monkeys are taking over the world!
This story from the UK Independent, is the final and clinching proof that the whole entire world has finally gone bananas. (ooh, that pun BURNS!)
Reading this article was like watching a series of outtakes from the end of a crappy film. Here are some of the highlights, or rather lowlights, of this laughter-provoking journey into the depths of left-wing insanity that this publication has the gall to call a news article, even if it is a feature story. I find, in the words of my favorite (left-wing) author Douglas Adams, that this is "the product of a mind that is not merely twisted but actually sprained."
"Look at the humans, Daddy! Zoo introduces new species"
By Cahal Milmo
Published: August 27, 2005
"Jo Cook had good reason to be wary of the latest arrivals in the large-mammal section of [the] London Zoo yesterday. Since evolving from primordial slime, the species they represent has been responsible for destroying 844 other species, and some 800 million of its own kind." [square brackets added]
Gee, ya think? That sounds pretty scary, but in my humble opinion, Black Widows are scarier. You know, I need to get as good as this person is at assuming things. If I ever get a job as a writer, I'll send in fair and balanced stuff that says things like, "Ever since God rested on Day 7 of the Earth, he's been extremely busy keeping up with events. Thankfully, he now has European newspapers that can keep him up to date with the latest assumptions his idiot creations are making down there in defiance of journalistic impariality." No wonder Europe is so far to the Left - their newspapers are not merely slanted to the left but actually bent downwards.
"Fortunately, the new humans' enclosure at the zoo, next to five bemused langur monkeys and four nonplussed sloth bears, was populated by five of the more left-wing ..."ah-hem, actually that last bit read "agreeable" ... to continue ...
"specimens of the genus Homo sapiens. Rather than destroying the planet, their main activities seemed to be playing "Connect Four" and listening to Radio 2. Three more human specimens will enter today."And you know what!? Those are the kinds of activities that destroy the planet!!! Radios are powered by electricity right? We're talking about an
energy company there, and we all know how much energy companies want to destroy the planet! Why, they want to destroy the planet so badly that they're willing to eventually put themselves out of buisiness for lack of planet to destroy! And their "Connect Four" game was probably manufactured in a
factory somewhere that was undoubtably connected somehow to something somewhere that produced
toxic emissions, so
THIS EXHIBIT AT THE LONDON ZOO IS DESTROYING THE PLANET!!!"Ms Cook, 28, a senior mammal keeper who normally looks after bears and apes, had just returned from delivering hula-hoops to ensure the "behavioural enrichment" of her new charges. She said: "They are far more demanding than my usual animals. We have to keep them occupied and entertained. I gave them a football to do some exercise. It is important to keep the weight off them."I would venture a guess that she's probably not the thinnest zookeeper in the world herself.
"The spectacle of five of the planet's most advanced great ape species hanging about in swimwear on Bear Mountain, the 91-year-old Grade II-listed terraces that once housed polar bears and grizzlies, is the opening salvo in a campaign by the Zoological Society of London (ZSL), which runs the zoo, to highlight humanity's status as a "plague species". Nearly 15,600 separate species are believed to be threatened with extinction caused by human activity."Let's fire some more opening salvos, shall we? Try responding thus: "Yeah, especially Jews. Dirty Jews probably kill more animals than even, say, Christians. Yeah, I'd bet it's mostly the Christians who are to blame. The Muslims probably aren't, they're probably more closely related to the monkeys than the Zoological Society of London is." After "plague species" no doubt we'll get into "plague races" and "plague religions." Honestly, to single humans out like that sounds like "discrimination" to me.
"To underline the point, displays outside the enclosure comparing humans with chimpanzees and gorillas note that more humans are born every hour than the existing population of the two other apes."Hmm ... I wonder why that is! Let's try asking one of the monkeys! Hold on, I'm going to take a bus down to my local zoo and ask a monkey why that is...
OK, now I'm back. The monkey refused to comment until it could speak with it's lawyer. According to the chart next to its enclosure, that won't be for a very very long time indeed, like millions of years of natural selection away or something.
Hey, wait a second ... That's the answer!!! Natural selection! That could be why there are more human babies born every hour than there are apes and chimps alive. Nature selected, and humans came out on top! Take that, monkeys!!!
Or, it could be because human beings are fundamentally different from the animals. But no - that's way too far-fetched. I mean, that would imply the existance of, like, a God, or something. One that reads European newspapers and laughs and laughs and laughs.
"Managers were unapologetic about their selection of eight largely trim and shapely specimens, including an international kick-boxer and a professional dancer, to ensure maximum publicity by cavorting around the enclosure during open hours over the bank holiday weekend."I'm sure the Zoo is an equal oppourtunity employer. :)
"Simon Rayner, ZSL's communications manager, who dreamt up the idea, said: "The point is to jolt people into recognising the impact of human beings on their environment and that of other animals. We are saying, 'Look, here are humans stripped down and treated exactly the same way as other animals'. We are the same and the way we treat all animals has consequences."So, we should stop putting out rat traps! This holocaust against rats has killed more rats than (INSERT ACCURATE STATISTIC HERE) combined!!!
SAVE THE POOR CUTE LITTLE MOUSEYS!!!
"The point was largely lost on 11-year-old Rory McDonald, from Purley, Surrey, as he gazed past the electric fence and moat at the cart-wheeling human exhibits. He said: "Cool, I want to have a go? It looks like Baywatch up there. And they even get a better view of the monkeys."I think the point was mostly lost on all intelligent life forms present.
I can easily imagine a
Star Trek character beaming down next to that boy, looking around, flipping open his communicator with a little beep noise, and sending a short message to Jim Doohan's ghost saying, "Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life here."
"Justine Appleby, 34, a science teacher from Hertford, who was with her two young sons, said: "I did a double take when I saw them. For a split second, I found myself thinking, 'Blimey, what kind of animals are they?' It's actually quite a powerful message."Yeah. It makes you think, "Hey! This is a waste! I came to the zoo to look at animals, not people!" Captain Obvious strikes again!
"The exhibits will spend eight hours a day in their elevated nest and spend each night in their own beds. So far, life as zoological curiosities was proving highly acceptable, right down to the gourmet vegetarian lunch provided by the zoo's on-site catering firm."Figures. The turds. Kind of defeats their purpose, doesn't it.
I can imagine one of them saying, "OTHER animals in the zoo get meat! Why can't I!?"
"Simon Spiro, 19, a veterinary science undergraduate at Pembroke College, Cambridge, shivered slightly as he sat in his boxer shorts and felt fig-leaves in a brisk wind. He said: "I leapt at the chance to do this. We've been sitting around, getting to know each other, discussing a bit about the philosophy of being behind bars. I'm fascinated by how we perceive animals and how they see us, so this is an opportunity to be on the receiving end."Of free vegetarian catering, you turd? Animals in the London Zoo get FREE FOOD just like you and don't have to worry about predators. Boo, hoo. Get over it.
Real life is not like
Planet of the Apes or
The Twilight Zone. Animals may love living in the zoo, there's no way to tell because animals are not intelligent and neither is any human being who was involved with this stupid stupid project.
The Monkey Conspiracy is quickly becoming powerful indeed, to be able to put humans in zoos already. I thought that was the kind of thing they'd only try
after they'd taken over the world, but apparently their boldness knows no bounds.
I just have one question for the Zoological Society of London about these "human specimens" though, "Did they eat their own poop?"
